I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
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do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
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I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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