You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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