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I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
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