We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
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Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
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i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.