I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.