He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
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Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
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You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight