so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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