why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw