why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade