For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
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i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
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You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair