I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
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Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
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Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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