I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar