Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
