Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
