I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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