We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.