Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget