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I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
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