Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
USA USA USA
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.