One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
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my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.