Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...