my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.