So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
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I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito