He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though