I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.