Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.