I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"