Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.