Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops