I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
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He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
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I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text