It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."