she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I came so hard my ears popped.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
