I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night I used snow as a chaser
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that