apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.