slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.