She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.