When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
either way he was missing a nipple.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.