i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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