New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone