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Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
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