He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.