then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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