We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?