Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.