Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels