I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.