It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
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Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.