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I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
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