you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan