Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
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I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
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Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.