Swine flu. Run for my life!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
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Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
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The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.