Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.