I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point