Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
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Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.