All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Yup. One sock.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list