I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Randomize
