I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar