You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.