I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen