I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth