Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
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She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
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if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?