Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Texas (512)

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  Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?

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  (512): Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen? http://tfl.nu/ijzr
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  I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.

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  (512): I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good. http://tfl.nu/1b0u
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  dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.

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  (512): dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce. http://tfl.nu/89y8
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  He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.

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  (512): He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone. http://tfl.nu/7h78
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  I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today

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  (512): I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today http://tfl.nu/x2es
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  I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.

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  (512): I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me. http://tfl.nu/y2u9
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  I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there

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  (512): I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there http://tfl.nu/tess
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  She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

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  (512): She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe. http://tfl.nu/piri
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  He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.

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  (512): He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice. http://tfl.nu/cehn
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  I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?

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  (512): I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day? http://tfl.nu/bpfn
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  so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....

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  oh shit that had to have been awkward

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  i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for

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  (210): so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it..... (512): oh shit that had to have been awkward (210): i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for http://tfl.nu/r8iv
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  I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.

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  (512): I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight. http://tfl.nu/hr3p
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  I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see

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  (512): I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see http://tfl.nu/ic6l
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  Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"

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  Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.

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  (512): Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??" (1-512): Yeah no more flaming everclear shots. http://tfl.nu/vc2f
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  I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.

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  (512): I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25. http://tfl.nu/95s1
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