Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...